Updated: Feb 22, 2020
If you grew up in a religious setting, you've probably heard the term "soul tie". If not, no biggie. You're probably able to catch the meaning just from the word. If not, no worries. I will explain.
For many raised in a religious setting, soul ties were mainly referenced in an attempt to dissuade people from engaging in sexual activity. The idea presented was that sex is more than just a physical connection. It's an intimate tying of the body, soul and spirit, therefore, it should be abstained from until marriage and with careful consideration. I, personally, agree with this. However, I do not believe that you only create soul ties by engaging in sexual activity. My belief is that soul ties can form without engaging in anything sexual AT ALL, because it's much deeper than that.
"Soul ties can form without engaging in anything sexual AT ALL, because it's much deeper than that."
I learned the hard way about soul ties. I learned from experience, and often didn't fully realize how tied I was until after disengaging. Before I get into my personal experiences, I think it's only fair to provide you with a clear and easy definition of a soul tie. A soul tie is: an emotional, spiritual, and mental bond that forms an attachment to someone or some thing.
I think it's important to pin point these words: emotional, spiritual, mental, attachment, someone, and something. These words, be it all of them or a few, were the first indicators of a soul tie for me. If it was a position at a job I had, it was always on my mind (mental), had my mood on a roller coaster (emotional) and I often stayed longer than I should have (attachment). I was tied to it on a deep level. The same went for certain relationships as well. If I was tied to it-- it was always on my mind (mental), had my mood on a roller coaster (emotional) and I often stayed longer than I should have. (attachment)
The aspect of a soul-tie that makes it detrimental is that your GOOD BOUNDARIES are often the first thing to go out the window. From my personal experiences with soul ties, they only formed in moments where I was the most vulnerable. Where I felt and believed I needed something or was lacking something. The soul-ties I found myself caught in NEVER formed in moments or seasons of my life when I felt, realized and believed I was completely and totally whole. Some ties to things and people formed in my younger years, when I was my most insecure and unsure of who I was, and I carried them into my adulthood. Sometimes, I found myself so loyal to the thing or person I was tied to because of familiarity and years I had been involved with it. There is a quote that adequately explains why familiarity can be an issue and it is"familiarity breeds contempt." Contempt means willful disobedience to or open disrespect for the rules or orders. When my loyalty to someone or something was mainly centered around familiarity and time spent in the relationship, I realized that I allowed contempt to occur. Let's be clear--contempt doesn't have to be a big open show to be an issue. The slightest bit of it is what builds to become the big open show of dishonor, disrespect and disregard. The putting aside of my boundaries were a great indicator that I was tied in a negative manner.
The slightest bit of contempt is what builds to become the big open show of dishonor, disrespect and disregard.
So how do you get untied? I'm never the type that likes talking about the less than glamorous parts of life without providing some type a solution. No cap, the thing that started the process of getting untied was SELF-AWARENESS. This had many layers to it, but the first layer I tackled involved getting real and taking accountability for the part I was playing in the situations I got tied up in. This led to me going through a process of making the necessary decisions to free myself. Whether it was speaking up for myself (which can completely free you up if you haven't tried it out in while lol) or completely cutting the tie off, becoming aware of my part made me acknowledge the choice I was making to stay tied up.
The second layer of this awareness had to do with accepting who I was and what I believed I deserved. For women, I think we often struggle with being COMPLETELY okay with what we want. We have this terrible case of FOMO (fear of missing out) that keeps us tied to situations, relationships, jobs, commitments etc., because we think it's the only thing we can obtain. Even if I knew something was desperately beneath what I deserved, I stayed. I coped. I was disappointed and, quite frankly, irritated. Why? Because when you're in a situation that is not meant for you, you will find yourself irritated and frustrated because who you are and what you're tolerating are trying to mix like oil and water. It's great by itself, could work together for a short amount of time if you keep shaking it up, but will eventually separate—because how they were formed weren‘t purposed to be mixed. Knowing and owning what I deserved pushed me to into making the necessary decisions untie myself. It wasn't easy and I am still making adjustments. To be honest, every adjustment that I make leaves me somewhat uncomfortable, but deep down I know every decision has been the best thing for my life. I once read a quote that said “Change is painful. Growth is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying somewhere you don’t belong.” With every untying I’m finding this quote to ring truer and truer as I gain my full freedom.
So sis, I want to ask you to evaluate what you're tied to today. I want you to know that you don't have to settle for anything. You can have all that you want and deserve. I promise you can. Let this year be the year that you untie yourself from every situation that no longer serves, pulls out the best and ignites a healthy fire in you!
-Your sister-friend Maya